Kalonzo Musyoka, the buffalo soldier, dances to please everyone

The buffalo man enjoyed a good dance, the fire dance of the middle path. You remember this amazing guy, his name was Fella Anikulapo Ransome Kuti from Nigeria, who sang the fire song called Afro. He was the cousin of another great man called Oluwole Soyinka, or simply Wole.

Now Anikulapo was not a jagajaga person, who had fun with people. When a big shot refused to pay his moni, or let’s say money, he led four extractors into the high chief’s Muthaiga of Lagos. He coated the whole place with the waste water from the extractor. When the big man asked, “Na wat be dis oh?” Fella said to him (pardon the language oh, but that’s not the truth oh), “You give me shit, I give you shit.”

You remember how Fella, the son of a tough Nigerian woman who fought for independence, once said, “If you call an African woman, don’t go. She will say that I am a lady oh! If you tell her to dance, “She’s going to dance Madame danse.” She will say he is equal to man. She’s going to have a cigar before everyone else” and “She’s going to make you open the door for me, she’s going to make her wash a plate for the kitchen.

But the African woman is “gonna do the fire dance,” the amazing guy said. She can’t dance Lady dance. The Buffalo Soldier, otherwise known as Man Stevo, aka Kalonzo wa Musyoka of Tseikuru, dances the political fire dance. Now some people are not happy that he dances this way and that way, katikati, like the windshield wipers of a giant truck. They say he confuses them, because his dance is hard to understand. They want him to slow down and do Lady dancing that they can understand.

As a result, Wa Musyoka alternated between fire dancing and ladies’ dancing, just to please everyone. You see, Mr. Odinga, otherwise known as Baba Raila Amolo son of Taurus, tried to run with someone to the House on the Hill. But he doesn’t know who to run with. He’s assembled a team of seven leaders to tell him who’s the best runner in the whole land, so he can run with him, or her, to the top of the Hill. Before they can even say the word “Run!” Wa Musyoka, the Buffalo man, lashed out at them, saying they were doing anything.

“You don’t need any team to tell you who the best runner is. I ran with Baba twice. And I can run with him again. Leave this matter to me and Muigai wa Kenyatta, we will settle this, because we know the best runner in the whole country. Without me, Baba won’t go anywhere,” said the man who ran twice with Baba, but was abandoned at the Jordan River, when Baba saw giant crocodiles and ran away in the opposite direction.

The Buffalo Soldier Wiper got stuck at the Crocodile River, not knowing what to do. Meanwhile, Baba had found Muigai wa Kenyatta, otherwise known as the Crocodile Herder. Baba has made peace with Muigai and his crocodiles. Muigai agreed that in future he would eliminate his crocodiles, so that Baba could safely cross to the Promised Land. It was also agreed that the next time Baba wanted to go to the Promised Land, Muigai would come.

But to make it smoother, Muigai wa Kenyatta wa Muigai wa Ngengi would also bring a team of tough mountaineers, to accompany them beyond the Jordan. One of them would be a tough female athlete, who would give all the crocodiles near the Jordan a real run for their money and their crocodile tears. Now when Muigai wa Kenyatta wants to keep his promise to Baba, Man Stevo comes out of nowhere to bump into Muigai and Baba. Anataka Kupitia Katikati.

You see, the buffalo soldier is very good kwa kupitia katikati. That’s why some people started calling it funny stuff. Just imagine someone rude calling her a vegetable name, watermelon ati sijui! Another pumpkin ati. These are unfair names for someone who saw only good chances of succeeding katikati ya watu. He saw one before Raila Odinga, before Mr. Odinga became Baba. There was Mr. Odinga and Mzee Mwai Kibaki. Mzee Kibaki and the future Baba had participated in another race at the Big House on the Hill in December 2007. The referee announced that the Mzee had won. But the future Baba says, “Hapana, the race has been stolen.

Trouble broke out. The place that started to burn. People were running in all directions, like windshield wipers. Some were killed in the uproar. There were real troubles in the republic. Some peace pundits started telling future Baba to have a handshake with Mzee Kibaki, but Baba started playing hard to get. Before he could step back and go for the handshake, he discovered Wa Musyoka already had pita katikati and shook Mzee Kibaki’s hand. Now Wa Musyoka sat smiling next to Mzee Kibaki. He invited Bwana Odinga to come and shake hands with Kibaki!

The future Baba reluctantly accepted the handshake, after another girl called Condoleezza Rice came to our big city in a giant plane written on “Airforce 2”. She threatened to do very scary things if Baba and Mzee Mwai did not shake hands. So, the two just shook hands, in front of a messenger called Dr. Kofi. They also agreed to make new laws, otherwise known as the revision of the Constitution. But when they started, Wa Musyoka decided he didn’t know if the new laws were good or bad. So again he decided to pitia katikati ya hiyo constitution.

Wa Musyoka’s motto is always “Katikati all the way”. It therefore behaves like windshield wipers. He wipes here and there. You can never say yuko hapa, to the pale. It’s just everywhere and nowhere, like real windshield wipers. It just says “Swish-swash”. Then he said, “I will not go for an interview, I will run with Baba.” But the next day, he goes anyway. He can also say, “Uh, if I support Baba, then I am the most stupid man in the world.” But the next day he will say, “I am going to campaign hardest for Baba.

Wow! It’s the real bison soldier! He is a man of many worlds. He is a man-buffalo, who fights for his survival, as Master Robert Nester Marley said. It was flown from Africa called Tseikuru and brought to America called Nairobi. And he was fighting for the finish, fighting for big things. As Nester, otherwise known as Bob, said, “When I analyze the stench, to me it makes a lot of sense.”

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. When you know your story, you will know where you came from. The story of Man Stevo is a long story of katikati ya watu na hali trading. So he swaps katikati ya akina Iron Lady, aka Martha Karua and her shadow, Sabina Chege. It also goes through a man named Peter Kenneth and another named Ali Hassan, mwana wa Joho.

When you know your story, you know where you are going. Man Stevo knows where he is going. Or maybe he doesn’t know. He’s just hapo katikati, enjoying the fire dance. No one dares go make Man Stevo open the door for me oh!

Dr. Barrack Muluka is a Strategic Communications Advisor.

Comments are closed.